X'MAS

How was your X'mas?



I enjoyed our family get-together at Changi Beach over Dec babies' birthday celebration and pot-luck.



We played fun games and watched an awesome group of guys (doing what I think is..) kite-boarding. I feel in love once again. Not with any of the guys but the sun, sand and sea! I'd definitely would like to try kite-boarding sometime.



I'm proud of my mum who joined us for our family fun under the sun despite feeling under the weather! It was a well-spent lovely holiday. Almost perfect. I dropped my handphone and saw the inner lcd cracked which left me contact-less for the the few hours. No one tried to reach me though! =P

passing time

I have a few entries in my draft which I shall leave them as they were. This explains why this brief entry for December only began tonight. I used to keep a diary and when I cleared them cos they were memories of the past, it felt as if evidence of the written truth were discarded. I remember I'd a childhood dream to be a writer. The kind who writes plays cos I felt like an au naturel drama queen. That is of cos apart from wanting to be a teacher. I stopped tutoring when my student made me cry. When it comes to work, I have trained a few trainees but none of them stayed long. I celebrated my 9th anniversary last week with my 'buddy' who trained me when I joined. She is very proud of my experience and knowledge attained (after I wasted my youth away..) It is ironic how I also did the same thing when I trained my newbies. I encouraged them to leave when they shared how terrible it was to be in the customer service especially in our company. Just how did I survive..

she

It was just a short conversation. I saw her earlier. Despite the long wait, she was still all smiles. Somehow the smiles made me stretch my tired muscles too. I asked how did she do that. She shared that everyone of us are usually caught up with the stress in life. We often do not realise that by controlling our emotions, we are actually absorbing the stress into our system. She only took a control of her life by moving out of comfort zone to be as happy as she is today. She only has the 'spark' to thank for the lovely change. That 'spark' which convinced her that she had enough of faking smiles and telling herself everything is alright. She wished me the best and I wondered to myself when I will have the courage to say it's enough! Will I ever? We shall see.

papa's birthday

We had a little surprise birthday party for Papa's 62nd. It wasn't just us celebrating with him. Cousins and Mama's siblings came over too. The cake was pretty to look at and equally nice. Had fun over good food and jokes.

still the same?

I intentionally missed a number of classes this trimester.I was hardly present for any lecture but KH signed for my absence. I attended my 3rd tutorial on Management Accounting tonight and realised it was the last. I managed to pass my tests despite skipping the classes. It was absolutely madness of trying to understand the concepts at the last minute. I've two weeks to self study for my papers coming up.

I'd been unhappy in school. Hiddy and I aren't as close as before. It irritates me every time I was asked what went wrong between us. I do not have a freaking idea! Just cos we are not seated beside each other and not able to gossip as frequently, something is wrong? However, I do miss confiding in my bestie. Especially now.

I recall how I missed school for almost a month when my relationship with my bestie in Sec 1 changed drastically. I was upset with myself for going on a two-day MC and wondered what caused the drift in our friendship. I do not want to be misunderstood. I hated being abandoned and discriminated. I kept to myself and told mum to allow me miss school. My concerned form tutor called home and counselled me. I went back to school.

I learnt it wasn't my fault at all. Lin wanted to have a sense of belonging to a popular group. I never wanted to be in that clique. I do not want to be yet another school-bitch. I want to be in my own world and remain true to myself. For every failed friendship or r'ship, I've habitually blamed myself. Would I be happier if I stop feeling this much? Just how long can we be around the people we love? That is why we must never take others' sincerity for granted.

1st Nov

Had an unexpected lunch with the girls at Alaturka Restaurant. We shared laughs over ghost stories. I suppose if we were doing so at night, I won't be laughing as much.









We had a surprise birthday dinner for mama. I loved the beautiful cake I got and the yummy steamboat. Papa brought home fresh seafood. Papa caught me off guard when he asked if we'd wait for Phil. It took him a long while to accept Phil. Phil did turn up and I tried my best to mask my pain throughout. I do not want Papa to worry for me. It helps that my ex was obliging in making himself feel at home. I enjoyed this beautiful Sunday with my loved ones.

chapter's end

Teary nights went by. In exasperation, I got mad and told him off. He was sorry for my every hurt and let me vent my anger by verbally abusing him. I do not want to let go, why can't he understand my English? It's not fair. Not to me, not to him. I asked just how he seemed to be more accepting towards our break up. In tears, he told me that he really believe in Him. He surrender me and us into His Hands and pray that He will lead me back to him when the time is right.

In my previous entry, I wrote that relationship works best when they are balanced. I believe I'd never let someone be the priority in my life when I'm just an option in his. Recent conversations in the wee hours somehow included that line. I was mad I'm just an option. He only chose to believe our relationship should come to an end cos the timing isn't right. What happened to his promise to be strong for us? LIAR!

Tears flowed freely like some kind of malfunctioned tap. Tired and afraid about going through a similar episode of being abandoned, I managed to calm myself down when I heard sobs, not from myself but the man who was perhaps equally in pain. I hated myself as much as I despised his guts to fight for our love. Can't exactly blame him for not being so dramatic cos he isn't a verbally expressive bf to begin with. He would rather keep to himself than say something dumb to upset me further. In that manner, he is smart-er.

I thought of him and our love for God. I realise in my ways of trying to make my man feel less pressured by his family, I somehow let him be the priority in my life and perhaps my religion became an option. I suppose by loving Phil so much made me be more open to his faith. I'm thankful that despite the heartbreak, his love for God made me see the need for me to repent. Whatever happens for a reason in God's willing and I will patiently learn to take difficulties in my stride as a blessing in disguise.

I took more effort to cover up my puffy eyes this morning. It is just a short day at work, I comforted myself. I wished all customers a nice weekend. I was surprised when a customer told me he has been watching the well-groomed me, serve every customers with smiles. We shared a short conversation which he left impressed with my positive personality. It's not only the art of make-up but I'm smiling vivaciously despite being broken cos that's a big part of being professional. Kudos to myself!

To Phil: There is never a deadline when it comes to loving you, B. I felt slighted that you gave our relationship a deadline too. I'll always be your B. The rest of the world need not understand me but not you cos it means a world to me if you misunderstand me. May we find the truth that we seek and be stronger. I do not don't love you. Good things will come to those who pray, hope and work for the best.

contract love

By the end of the month, I'd be embracing single hood again.

I'm not exactly out of LOVE!

Relationships work best when they are balanced..

botanic love affair

Phil and I visited the Botanical Gardens today. Despite having to find me in the drizzle, he wasn't angry that I was late again and even got off at the different entrance. We'd a yummy brunch at Casa Verde. Phil is inspired to return for the weekday promotional 1-for-1 takeaway pizzas.

Walks were enjoyable especially cos it was after the drizzle, thus it wasn't too warm for us to cam whore and explore this tourist attraction. I remember Phil telling me that he felt as if we were not in Singapore while enjoying the beautiful horticulture in the garden.

We checked out The Evolution Garden which tells the amazing story of how plants gave us life, and how, long before we humans arrived, they started to evolve into the myriad complex life forms that we see today. It was a journey through time from ancient times.through the planet of dinosaurs, and into the modern world of many different flowering plants we enjoy today.

Phil was so happy he found a power source to charge his Mac Book. We sat down to eat the briyani I brought. Not too picnic-like a date for us. =p I had loads of fun nevertheless. Our love for aircon was clear as we fooled around happily when we are in The Cool House which encloses a montane tropical forest. Trees and rocks are draped with a profusion of spectacular orchids and carnivorous plants. The cool air, drifting mist and rushing torrent provide a highly realistic representation of high elevation sites in the tropics and we absolutely love this!

I paid $1 for the admission fee to The National Orchid Garden cos I'm a student. $5 for Phil's adult ticket. No matter how old the student is, so long a metric card is produced! I'd even more cam whoring cos Phil was my obliging photographer. He probably thought he is snapping pictures of a stray monkey though cos I was running around one moment and posing for the snaps, the next.

We also visited the Library of Botany and Horticulture. It is just so peaceful and I was happy to be quiet. Phil was happier than me it seems. It wasn't cos I finally kept my volume down.. =p he found another power source! This man is definitely dating not just me, but his new love, Mac! Once I excused myself to go to the little girls room and when I got back, I found my man grinning at the YouTube videos! Then again, I fell in love with that happy face..oh well..

We enjoyed beautifully painted art pieces in an exhibition showcase. Before heading back, we fed fishes. It was fun feeding the hungry new found friends. It was their favourite food after all. Vividly, I remember a couple taking their wedding photos, an elderly couple holding hands on the bench and a bunch of friends celebrating a girl's 18Th birthday. People come here with happy tots, I suppose. For myself, I came here with happy tots to spend an afternoon with the love of my life. I definitely did.

Thank you B for taking time to be with me.

MC

I'm having a week's leave again. somehow.. here I am down with the flu bug. 'nice' start for the break which got me 2 days of MC without me even asking Doc. I have so much to catch up! I don't know what's gotten oven me for missing plenty of lessons for this trimester. This break I told myself to get started in my projects. I'd so many things planned out for this week.... and now all i wanna do is sleep and recover fast, fastest!

'love me for a reason' by Boyzone is being played right now. I read about Stephen Gately's death this morning while looking for articles on law and morality. I have 4 more articles to analyse for the Legal Aspects Of Business project. Just where are the articles man..enough about Fann's wedding already!

Alright peeps I'm gonna fall asleep again. The medicine makes me drowsy and cranky.. no, they make me drowsy and even more crankier than I'm already am. Will be back for more cheerful updates.

When is your big day?

Yesterday, a lovely customer who usually comes with compliments, came by. She suddenly asked me "when is your big day dear?" It caught me off guard. I smiled awkwardly and muttered that I don't know how to answer this question. Colleague probably overheard and said "soon.. soon.." I smiled at them and wished the lady have a pleasant day. I'm hardly in a stable relationship so why'd I even know when is my big day? Sometimes we get questions at the right time which somehow will make us realise what's our stand.=)

ramadan

Time heals all wounds indeed. I wondered just how angry I'd been with that someone I once loved. Three years. That is just how much time I buried him in my heart with anger.

I recalled my promise of always loving him and he lives in my heart, no matter. That was the last we met, spending mid-autumn that year as friends instead of a couple.

Today I realise I finally let go. He was an irresponsible boyfriend who probably was in the crossroads back then. Perhaps there's this ego in him refusing to share his issues which caused me to hate his guts and deal with his decision he made for us.

Whatever the reasons may be, I believe it's for the best cos presently, he's already a father. I wish him well and thank God that I've learnt to forgive and got rid the pain of anger this Ramadan.

surprise

Days back, I attended a rude customer. He was in his fifties so I decided to bear with his throwing of cash and NRIC on my desk. What made me pissed is when I asked him about his remittance amount, he shot "semua lah, bodoh!''.. I repeated the amount received and proceed to quickly get his transaction done.

Just when I thought it's over, that elderly demanded for his change! I was like huh? What change is it now? I explained there isn't any change as i have confirmed the remittance. "Encik, saya bertanya dengan baik tadi. Pada pendapat saya, encik bersikap kurang sopan tau! Maaf kalau kebodohan saya tidak dapat memahami encik!" *stares*

After which the unexpected happened! He took his receipt and threw it right at my face! *There goes my powder and blush.. lol* I imagined myself smacking him at that point which trying to calm myself. Hands were shaking with anger and humiliation. I took his receipt, pushed it back towards him and firmly reminded him that the transfer is completed. I didn't take away any extra cash. I pointed to the amount on the receipt which clearly states the remittance amount and charges which tallied with what he gave, or rather threw on my desk. Customers may always be right but at times, they need to be taught to see their ugly selves!

Headed home that day feeling really down. I could hardly wait to share how terrible I feel with my man. It hurt me more when Phil didn't show any interest in my bad day grumbles. I assumed he was being his nonchalant self as always.

Days went by and I put the episode behind me. Guess what?? This morning, that nasty customer came! He apologised over the unpleasant incident. Somehow my colleague overheard the awkward conversation. She observed us. She told me I was staring blankly at the monitor when he muttered sorry. I was expressionless.

Just how should I take it? Smile at him and say "hey it's ok! no worries.. the next time you want to piss someone off with your rudeness, make sure it's not me??" I do understand that it takes courage to admit our wrongs and mean it when we say sorry. To me, he is just another nasty old man. When I got home in the evening, I received a basket of flowers from my man. That is sweet but I think I deserved some concern from him, the nonchalant one!

wonder if..

Just how do we tell if someone who matters is worth the fight? I asked myself in the cab ride home. He was seated by my side but I can feel emptiness in my heart. He wiped my tears away. I remained silent. On my mind, I wonder if he still meant a lot; enough for me to defend our love.

Last night, i was told that one of my aunts spoke to my cousin; suggesting he'd talk to me about our relationship. It was totally random it caught me almost offguard. I reasoned that being 27, i'd (be able to) be responsible for my own decisions and weigh the consequences. Nosey aunt's just unnecessarily concerned about me wasting my youth away. To set the record straight, I know my stand. I only need my immediate family's blessings. I hope I'd not bring shame to my parents abusing the freedom and trust they gave me.

I was bothered that my aunt had to talk to my cousin on this matter which is seriously none of her business. Since when does it mean that we'd be married just by seeing each other exclusively!? My parents dated for 12 years before they eventually got married. Way back, did anyone guessed that the interracial couple'd even have a family together? Having said that, I never dreamt of marrying anyone yet! I've my ideal wedding in mind but seriously no wedding is in the cards! I highlighted to my mum that should she have any concerns, she'd directly share with me rather than going thru others!

Lately I came to wonder why I can't share what i feel as openly as before. He actually meant a lot. Convinced I love, I believe that I'll defend him,no matter. Sadly, we have this disturbing inability to express ourselves. Often, i shared my views only to feel disappointed with his nonchalant behaviour. Although he claimed otherwise, those were the negative vibes i got from his responses. I thought about us and wonders if tears will be here as frequent as way back when i dated Woon. I'm tired being the one who loves in sadness and not knowing if this love is worth fighting for. Keeping a relationship going strong is never easy and for me, this is a re-test of faith.

Happy tots

Woohoo.. I'm done with my papers! For the very first time, despite the madnesss of trying to get my mind in sync with the correct formulaes and formats, I finished both the Finance and Stats papers convinced I really did my best. Nevermind how the grades will be, but I feel accomplished knowing I didn't let myself down. =)

My cousin is due to give birth to my very first niece anytime soon. I'm so exicited about her arrival. It just adds to the happy vibes about the upcoming long weekend.

eye eye Monday

I woke up wondering how short the night's sleep was and it's a Monday already!? The weekend was over even before I'd say 2hrs plus of Harry Porter was such a disappointment. Texted Phil to make sure he's up for school as it starts for him today and knowing my man's sleeping habits, I'd to double make sure he is really up and out for the 8am class.

I began to realise that my left eye stings. In the bathroom, I almost screamed at my reflection. Red and swollen left eye scared me even more when I noticed something like torn lens in the whites. I tried to wash it off unsuccessfully. Panic kicked in. Headed for the doc and enjoyed a day's worth of medical leave. I thought I'd hate this Monday. I probably only dislike it for spending quite a bit on taxi fares, grocery shopping, medical bills and a new pair of spectacles. Intended to study for my exams but rested the eyes by napping.

Exams are right up in two weeks. I only have two papers to deal with this time which I find, rather comforting. Business Finance and Stats will keep me occupied with the calculator. I prefer Stats cos I usually manage to attend the lessons and the tutor kept me interested in this subject. BF on the other hand, is my least fav. I even received a warning letter for my poor attendance. Due to work commitments, I'm usually lost in this subject. We had two tests on BF and I didn't get really terrible results which made me sad. Despite my average knowledge, I believe I'd improve and clear these papers. I call this, 'motivation is a friend of hope'.

rain, queue, durians, rambutans, cycling race in Ubin

We finally visited my fav island again. Although the intention is to fly Ophelia's kite, cycle and look out for durians since it's THE season, we realised this trip will be different the very moment we joined the long queue at the ferry terminal. There is a cycling race going on in Ubin. Who knows if we would also be caught in the race?!

Eager me and Ophelia were excitedly imagining the possibilities. We rented our rides from my regular uncle who always charge us lower and headed to our makan area where we picnic away while waiting for papa to meet us.

















We went cycling with lighten load. I'd never want to cycle carrying a big bag of food prepared from home, among the cyclists who were furiously racing. Shasha got her first durian.





It was as if to race for who finds the freshly dropped durian against the other visitors. I really wonder why these people can find bags full of durians and rambutans when we found only 4, I think. None by me, of cos.. I was busy snapping pictures and cam whoring hehe. Sudden downpour caught us by surprise while we were cycling. Managed to get shelter at a resident's house.






I miss hearing the rain on the zinc tops. Watching the rain water the flowers and lush greenery simply brought smiles to my face. So pretty! I didn't see any rainbow after the rain. As usual, Ophelia and I joked and reminisced.






She was happy flying her kite cos the wind was strong and it flew higher. We were definitely surprised again when the queue for the bum boat is super long!



Managed to cam whore before it rained again!!!









haha there.. we were getting drenched while queueing patiently. We joked about people going on MCs tmw cos of he rain in Ubin. I was hoping to be one of them hehe..