Friday, November 06, 2009
I intentionally missed a number of classes this trimester.I was hardly present for any lecture but KH signed for my absence. I attended my 3rd tutorial on Management Accounting tonight and realised it was the last. I managed to pass my tests despite skipping the classes. It was absolutely madness of trying to understand the concepts at the last minute. I've two weeks to self study for my papers coming up.
I'd been unhappy in school. Hiddy and I aren't as close as before. It irritates me every time I was asked what went wrong between us. I do not have a freaking idea! Just cos we are not seated beside each other and not able to gossip as frequently, something is wrong? However, I do miss confiding in my bestie. Especially now.
I recall how I missed school for almost a month when my relationship with my bestie in Sec 1 changed drastically. I was upset with myself for going on a two-day MC and wondered what caused the drift in our friendship. I do not want to be misunderstood. I hated being abandoned and discriminated. I kept to myself and told mum to allow me miss school. My concerned form tutor called home and counselled me. I went back to school.
I learnt it wasn't my fault at all. Lin wanted to have a sense of belonging to a popular group. I never wanted to be in that clique. I do not want to be yet another school-bitch. I want to be in my own world and remain true to myself. For every failed friendship or r'ship, I've habitually blamed myself. Would I be happier if I stop feeling this much? Just how long can we be around the people we love? That is why we must never take others' sincerity for granted. Excuse me..Have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it!
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Sunday, November 01, 2009
Had an unexpected lunch with the girls at Alaturka Restaurant. We shared laughs over ghost stories. I suppose if we were doing so at night, I won't be laughing as much.
We had a surprise birthday dinner for mama. I loved the beautiful cake I got and the yummy steamboat. Papa brought home fresh seafood. Papa caught me off guard when he asked if we'd wait for Phil. It took him a long while to accept Phil. Phil did turn up and I tried my best to mask my pain throughout. I do not want Papa to worry for me. It helps that my ex was obliging in making himself feel at home. I enjoyed this beautiful Sunday with my loved ones.
Excuse me..Have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it!
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Saturday, October 31, 2009
Teary nights went by. In exasperation, I got mad and told him off. He was sorry for my every hurt and let me vent my anger by verbally abusing him. I do not want to let go, why can't he understand my English? It's not fair. Not to me, not to him. I asked just how he seemed to be more accepting towards our break up. In tears, he told me that he really believe in Him. He surrender me and us into His Hands and pray that He will lead me back to him when the time is right.
In my previous entry, I wrote that relationship works best when they are balanced. I believe I'd never let someone be the priority in my life when I'm just an option in his. Recent conversations in the wee hours somehow included that line. I was mad I'm just an option. He only chose to believe our relationship should come to an end cos the timing isn't right. What happened to his promise to be strong for us? LIAR!
Tears flowed freely like some kind of malfunctioned tap. Tired and afraid about going through a similar episode of being abandoned, I managed to calm myself down when I heard sobs, not from myself but the man who was perhaps equally in pain. I hated myself as much as I despised his guts to fight for our love. Can't exactly blame him for not being so dramatic cos he isn't a verbally expressive bf to begin with. He would rather keep to himself than say something dumb to upset me further. In that manner, he is smart-er.
I thought of him and our love for God. I realise in my ways of trying to make my man feel less pressured by his family, I somehow let him be the priority in my life and perhaps my religion became an option. I suppose by loving Phil so much made me be more open to his faith. I'm thankful that despite the heartbreak, his love for God made me see the need for me to repent. Whatever happens for a reason in God's willing and I will patiently learn to take difficulties in my stride as a blessing in disguise.
I took more effort to cover up my puffy eyes this morning. It is just a short day at work, I comforted myself. I wished all customers a nice weekend. I was surprised when a customer told me he has been watching the well-groomed me, serve every customers with smiles. We shared a short conversation which he left impressed with my positive personality. It's not only the art of make-up but I'm smiling vivaciously despite being broken cos that's a big part of being professional. Kudos to myself!
To Phil: There is never a deadline when it comes to loving you, B. I felt slighted that you gave our relationship a deadline too. I'll always be your B. The rest of the world need not understand me but not you cos it means a world to me if you misunderstand me. May we find the truth that we seek and be stronger. I do not don't love you. Good things will come to those who pray, hope and work for the best.Excuse me..Have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it!
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