Second

I was bored and getting impatient as I waited in the clinic. I did a mental calculation on T-I-M-E. It's been a month now and that is 2,592,000 seconds since the last call from the number 2 on my handphone speed dial. It came to mind that Ian once asked me about the story behind number 2. I could remember explaining how Phil used to be my 2 O'clock man. He was also represented by the second alphabet. He was the other half to complete my heart. Having said that, I realize I found other reasons. Coincidentally, he walked out of my life on Tuesday, for the second time. He was the second man I loved enough to get hurt. Perhaps, the one I put myself second after him.

When my true feelings were crushed and thrown out into the cold like my favorite Tatty Bear, I wondered if the one I care the most, appreciates me as much as I do when it comes to him and if I've not done enough. I'm beginning to come to terms with the painful possibility that I'd have been second to everything else which matter to him. The true story of 2 is the past no longer matter. Maybe I'm just a memory if he'd remember with that forgetful heart. Only God knows. =)

4 weeks ago.

Telepathic waves sent. Code word: 4 weeks ago.

craving for a horse shoe crab

Of all things, this was the craving!

On another note: Oh my..14 weeks! Can I be excited over it?

I have decided and shall call this crazy anticipation "Joy" .

Just watch me glow with Joy ; )

Run If I can

All I wanted was a morning run with the wind. Tears joined us. I tried to run even faster but the tears managed to catch up. Not without any reason, I was crying freely. I'm still the same. I have a small heart when it comes to Phil. I've all of him in my heart even after he walked out of my life. Every heart beat calls out for him. I'd hear it even when I sleep. For these four weeks, I'd wake up and find myself in tears. Sometimes over nightmares and sometimes, I'd just hug the pillow and cry. Often, I wished that I'd dial that #2 on my speed dial to hear him. I never did.

The small things he'd done, made me realize that he is the best I ever had. Be it doing marketing with me which would usually include some treats for him, be it waiting for me and yet see me with a 'black face' cos I couldn't find him, be it trying out testers which often left me embarrassed, be it hearing me grumble and just listen, be it walking me home even when he was tired and the journey back home would take more than 1 hour, be it getting me all the vitamins to keep me well, be it watching boring movies with me till he fell asleep cos I'm lazy to go anywhere else, be it having his suggestions rejected by me repeatedly, be it just watching me eat via Skype and laugh over how I look when I gobbled my food for us.. there're too many "be it"s . I really felt loved by this man I love. Perhaps especially more so cos I really wanted the love of my life to guide me. I wanted to know God and be closer to my faith. Phil made me a better person.

He was my first who got really upset when I doubted him. Actually, I was teasing him. There wasn't anything that he said which I'd doubt. In fact, I trust him more than myself. That is why it hurt this much when I think of him fondly. I thought I'd miss having him as my confidant. The truth is I miss him as my love. I can't run away from this painful truth. My heart cries everytime I say my prayers. I'm not being a drama queen. This is me, hoping that God will heal me soon. No prize for guessing; I'm in tears again. I definitely believe that Phil includes me in his prayers even when I'm not good for him. It can be painful to smile with a crying heart. I grin in pictures. It worked sometimes. It was as if real happy moments captured. You don't really expect to see me post a picture of me crying,do you? It'd probably make you tear. This entry may not serve much purpose but to me, this is better release than crying on my own. Love hurts. It is true.

Family evening out

Retail therapy didn't work too well. Spent quite a fair bit on the eight bags of purchases. I've always preferred online shopping so that was something different. My sisters and mama looked happy that we got to spend the evening together. I got something cute for Big Boy. Gave my family an ice-cream treat at Haagen-Dazs too. It was just a gesture to thank my family for being there for me. I know they were worried about me having a hard time and tried to make me feel better in many ways. I'd come up with a decision and not be fickle about it. Time won't wait. If only I'd stop feeling so much. I'm trying and it hurts a lot, but it's not all about me.

God is love.

Colmar Tropicale

There was a change in plans so this leave, I went to Colmar Tropicale, Berjaya Hills with Su and Naz instead. Su promised to go travelling with me since we were 16. Only too glad that she'd apply for leave and fulfill that promise. My family were worried but understood that I needed to be away. It has been pretty depressing for three weeks. I told myself to be happier. I deserve to enjoy the holiday with these two girls. I am appreciative that despite knowing I'm not exactly the usual me, they wanted to be there. Their company was awesome and thank God, we'd a wonderful time and it was a safe trip. Thoughts of Phil lingered almost everywhere I went as if he was there with me, sharing my joy.

Day 1

I carried my bulky back pack and got onto the train early. He was on my mind. I don't know why but I hated that feeling. Took the same coach with an Indian family and two other Singaporean individual from Golden Mile. The Indians really pissed us off. After the Tuas check point, theydisappeared for more than 10minutes. They came back as if all of them had to go to the toilet together! After the Malaysian immigration, they disappeared again for toilet. I'm talking about a family of eight. We'd a 25minutes-stop at Yong Peng. We grabbed a quick bite and realized they were in the bus. True enough as it was about time to get back to the coach and continue our journey, they wanted to go to the toilet! ALL of them! I don't know if I'd laugh or cry. I'd only return smiles when they got back to their seats, looking apologetic. Su says they were from ''where the time goes backwards" so that explains. It was a smooth 6-hours ride.

We reached KL Times Square and had to find the 'Five StarsTours' counter beside a 7-11 store. There were two 7-11 stores! The two of them suggested that I'd write in to complain. My forte. A guy came up to us and checked if we were going to Colmar Tropicale. He was the 'counter' which we tried to locate!? It took another hour for him to drive us to our stay. The winding roads and strong wind made me feel as if I was gonna puke. Puking in the morning has been a bad habit. However when I saw the picturesque place, I knew it was worth it! There were a few couples ahead of us checking in. It was Valentine's after all. No doubt such a romantic place'd welcome couples and young families. Our room was better than i imagined. Even the shows in HBO were entertaining. We laughed at the love stories. We did many jump shots. We'd loads of silly moments. It isgood to be somewhere no one knows me. I'm usually that popular.

Day 2

I woke up around 6.50am as if I was going to work. Called mum and heard her sounding sad. I reassured her that I slept well and I was happy. The girls and I got ready for breakfast. We went tothe Japanese Village and Botanical Garden. We met 'Uncle Grunt', a tourist who sounded like a bear! He kept grunting which made us laugh a lot about him. We tried on Japanese costume and it cost us 20RM each for 30 minutes. Some Indonesian girls took pictures with us. Back in our hotel, we had a wonderful swim. Taking pictures in the pool was absolutely crazy and funny. I'd even caught some men checking us out. It started to rain after dinner. We headed back to our room. We watched a Malay show. It was so sad it made us tear. It was funny too cos of the sad expressions on the actor. Even when he is sad, his face had a pasted smile. I went to bed early after crying over a show and the wonderful swim. Some exercise is always good.

Day 3

We were greeted by thick fog outside. Managed to rush out and snap a few good pictures. I suppose that happens cos of the heavy rain at night. The street was empty. I love it! There was a beautiful couple taking wedding pictures. We went for breakfast and took more pictures before checking out. The driver was waiting for us when we got to the lobby. He drove us to Times Square and we took a VIP coach to get back. I watched 'The Killers' and 'New Moon'. My iPod died on me so having movies to watch while on the move beats napping. I don't want to suffer from insomnia when I get home. I miss the tripod, our laughs over jump shots and pillow fights! ❤

The sunset as we leave Malaysia.

Vday

When it comes toValentine's Day, people do think of their special someone. It's kind of ironic that when it comes to me, it is still him. If you ask me how it feels like now.. All I can say is, I feel like I'm loving someone who do not love me. I know I'd be missing him even more so. I do not want to be the girl crying over the same thing.

I'm going away for a few days. He once commented that I'd never travel alone. He's right. Even in my passport holder, there is a picture of me and him. I'd have used the word "us". He gave up on us. That was how he loved. Memories of our last Vday lingered. The ability to remember details hurt. Sometimes things we planned and not able to fulfill made it all the more memorable.

Happier days.

she

Who can see the weary soul
Buried within the active persona?
The joys displayed upon her
Radiates a cover over her tears.

Who can hear the despair in her voice
Buried amongst the laughters?
The sound of beauty echoes
A cover over her rhythm of sobs.

She leads a double life of day and night
Perfectly in tune with her many facades.
The perfect mix of cosmetics worn
Over as foundation to her wrinkles.

The toll of it all seeps away her life
Slowly, one step after another...
She can no longer laugh like before
Neither can she cry anymore.

BFF not..

For someone who has many friends, losing one doesn't make a difference, does it? I don't have many friends. I've a few very good friends. Cos it is that few, I call them besties. I value my friendship between them a lot. I included my two ex bfs, Woon and Phil as besties too. I'm that lucky! ( attempts to sing 'Lucky' by Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat )The rest of the few who knows me as well are wonderful women who hear me and feel for me, every time I cried or shared a joke. These women, we bitch a lot in the name of harmless fun.

When Woon broke up with me, that was the first time I had to deal with losing a male bestie. I was heart-broken and dealt with depression for more than a year. I was so lost. Honestly, I no longer remember how devastated I was when I'd to experience a cheating bf. I realise that memories made me sick. I wanted to be forgetful about the past we had. Pills were my friends. I thought the medication will make me well faster but I'd only see that I was recovering when I stopped taking them. Even when they were consumed to make me sleep, it came to a point that I no longer want to be friends with my pills. I treated myself as I would treat my dearest friend. I was kinder to myself and supportive of my own efforts to get better. I even fell in love. I was much happier.

Our B love story contain memories which were almost full of joy, some pinch of sadness, few foolish moments of anger and definitely, too many sorry. We weren't trying to be a polite couple. It's only that I tend to fight over the silliest thing and when he apologizes, it gives me another reason to squabble over his "sorry, B". When Phil and I broke up, it was a repeated episode of being abandoned by this other bestie. Somehow we cheated another year of friendship since our break-up. That was why I kicked up another big fuss over this recent loss. I wanted us to be friends again. So badly that it just came to my mind that I'm being childish even in my late twenties. I was being me. I'd be more mature.

Why doesn't it matter to Phil about having this bestie who genuinely shared every freaking guilt or secret, joy or sadness? It was only right to be supportive even when I hate to support the decision for him to leave, when all of me definitely wanted to beg him to stay. I have said many times "I will always be there. I'm just a heart beat away, don't you worry" but I worry for him endlessly. Perhaps, I'm not his habit. He was mine. I know I'm vulnerable cos I love. Be it over love or friendship, why am I always just an option? His absence of two weeks made me miss having him as my bestie. Maybe he has that many friends, losing one doesn't hurt.

Phil's presence made a whole lot of difference, but he may not realize so. It is not just love. I'm not only heart-broken.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Tears

Tears came flowing as night creeps in,
The freezing glare of night staring
Straight into my eyes stabbed within,
Felt so sure that I would breathe my last.

Enveloped myself in complete pain
That I seem so well-addicted to.
Unable to break out of the dizzy spell,
I saw dismal written all over the walls.

Tossing and turning, trying to sleep
But they kept calling your name,
They kept throwing your image,
Heart started to fail; breath slowed.

Sanity begged for all to stop
This nonsense; these pain and hurt
But drugs the pain has became
Bringing myself to a new level of ecstasy.

Big Boy turns 6 months old

Big Boy turns 6 months today. We took pictures with him and of him when his parents dropped by for a visit with the twins. He was really easy to carry and play with. His twin was super cranky, wailing a lot. My cousin and his missus looked worried and tired trying to coax their lil princess. It must have been frustrating. I was really happy to spend a hour camwhoring with my nephew today. His dimples and sweet smile melt my heart whenever I go " Auntie Ann loves you big boy.. " Just look at how much he loves playing with my watch. The lights amused him and he tried to press the same button so they will light up again. Cuteness! I'm in love with my big boy!

Spring is here

Mama suddenly asked if I wished B a happy CNY. I was caught off-guard. How'd I do that? People who meant more to B'd make sure that we do not keep in touch. Needless to say, B will remain to ignore me. Am I really a sin, that he has to redeem himself by leaving me? I used to wonder and sob at the thought of how much he values my presence in his life. Now? My tears form and fall on auto-mode when I think of him, feeling abandoned. When you truly love someone, there will be never a time when you don’t anymore. You don't behave like nothing is missing when you have been blessed with that someone who was always there for you for a good three years. It's more impact than completing tertiary education, so I'm normal but I'm more dramatic. Perhaps, B is normal. Only God knows.

My parents are an awesome duo. Papa shared about their love story. The main reason why he stayed true to Mama for 12 years of courtship despite the difference, was he never wanted to let Mama down. He knew he had to be responsible for their love. Isn't that sweet? That was also why my parents were never against our relationship. Papa says they will always want me to be happy and respect my decision. It was hurtful that B didn't fight for our friendship. If he did, I'd no idea. B probably didn't know that he hurt me most when I felt so discriminated by the man I love enough. B. I really miss having him around. B don't need me as much.

This CNY, I didn't visit my relatives in Malaysia. Uncle's place was affected by flood. For a change, we headed to Sentosa. I thought it was early until I reached Vivocity and had to join the very long queue! Be it the local or foreign Chinese, there were definitely a lot of them. My sisters and I felt as if we were joining the crowd for Singapore Idol. It's the start of the Flowers Festival 2011 in Sentosa. There is a new walkway from Vivocity to Sentosa, maybe one day I'd take a stroll there. I didn't want my parents to walk too much.

Papa paid for ice-cream and tickets to Butterfly Kingdom, UnderwaterWorld and Dolphin Lagoon. We'd loads of family fun. At the Butterfly Kingdom, I was excited to have witnessed the birth of two butterflies! When they got out of their cocoon, it was definitely a beautiful sight! Initially it was freaking eww when I kept having the thought of touching a caterpillar at the back of my mind. It's a worm, for heaven's sake! Then I overcame my fear and screams, I insisted that I'd take a cute pic with a butterfly! Sis did so easily.

I used my way to get the butterfly pose with me. I was mean but I tried not to hold onto it for too long. Yay!

Underwater World brought back memories. I went with B before. My family and I played with the sting rays. Papa definitely loved this visit. He was able to tell us quite a bit about fish. Occupational hazard. I have been blessed with such good photogenic memory. I'd remember my trip with B vividly. I told myself to enjoy camwhoring and take unglam pictures! People who walked past as I made faces laughed too. I was such a clown even when I was reminded of him.

We headed for the Dolphin Lagoon. It was different from the one B brought me. Nevertheless, entertaining. We loved the show by the dolphins and the seals. There was a CNY extra. We watched a mask show. A Chinese man did quick changes of masks before he showed his face at the end. We headed back feeling super hungry. We got irritated that no only Sentosa'd long queues for food, it was the same for Vivocity. More Chinese came after their visiting, I suppose. We were greeted by an even more crowd as we headed back.

I cannot remember the last time we visited such places of interest. In fact, when was the last time we took a day off other commitments and just spend time capturing these memories into prints? We'd really do this more often while our parents are still around. I heard my parents telling each other that we're no longer their lil ones. We grow up and they grow old. I feel that truth hurts cos even that I'm all grown up, my parents'd to worry for me especially when it comes to my love life.

Happy Note: My parents were exceptionally thoughtful. They know I love tulips so when they saw pictures of tulips in the brochure, they even wanted to buy some for me! We took a family pic with giant tulips in the background. I was really happy! We took pictures till the battery died on us. My puffy eyes didn't hide my sadness even as I smiled widely for the camera.

Miss you

Heart is broken,
Mind is shattered.
Soul is dispersed.
Life is barren.

Love is deserted,
Hatred is stirring.
Laughter is absent.
Tears are abundant.

Hope is dwindling.
Faith is aglow.
Joy is lurking.
Depression escalates.

Mirror

Reflecting in the mirror
Was a hollow, empty soul.
She was smiling brightly
But her heart was seen crying.
Knives formed by the glass mirror
Was gestured to repeatedly stab.
She grimaced in pain within
But smiled like a doll on face.