Don't be sad

I've been trying so hard to contain my emotions but I broke down and sobbed in the bathroom till I threw up. I'm feeling terrible. Puffy-eyed, I'm refraining from crying as I type this entry. I miss the usual Sunday evenings with my best-est friend. Badly. I quickly wiped my tears away. Mama just got back and turned to look at me. Probably heard my sniffle. I'm gonna act busy by typing away and NOT look up. I'm feeling the emotional strain. Crying is cathartic but it doesn't erase the cause of the tears.

rain

It has been raining daily isn't it? Since I've been feeling down, the weather seems to feel for me. Cold, like how I am feeling inside. I love the rain. When I was younger, my parents will make me put on the raincoat every time it rained. Somehow, I always see hay-like image as I watched and admired the droplets on the raincoat happily. Nothing around me was yellow and what I thought I saw, was just my imagination. We were living in our own island back then and I'd also 'put on' plastic bags! My innocent efforts to keep my school shoes white and dry. Raincoats belonged to my younger days. I cannot remember when I stopped having my raincoat around. Walking in the rain wasn't so bad an idea as I grew up. Umbrellas were a hassle. Today I walked in the rain. I was in tears. Perhaps, it's time I put on a bigger raincoat and a pair of boots. I'd be dancing in the rain and feel a lil happier even as I cry..

wish

- wish -

there's a wish buried deep,

deep in the abyss of my heart.

a heart that has been tested,

tested enough, i foolishly thought.

this wish resurfaced yet again,

again it broke through the barriers.

these barriers were angrily placed,

placed to prevent any more tears.

that wish should have just left,

left and flutter to my only solace.

the solace was none other than you,

you who selfishly left me to wonder.

the wish is none other than you,

you being here still, laughing.

laughing with you was that wish,

a wish that is now just a wish.

it's over

It's over now, B called. It marks the last day of our friendship. Just like any break-up it's probably best not to remain friends. He promised the world not to be in touch with me. B says he wants to be true. He don't want us to live a lie. Our friendship isn't a lie. My love for this important man remains true. 25th Jan 2011, we officially broke up again. He was my confidate. My B since our first date, the Bee movie.

We loved, we cried, we chose to end it all. B says he's setting me free and wants me to move on. Thank God for answering my prayer back then by sending him to me when I was broken years ago and I get to be closer to God in ways I never thought I'd. I'm thankful for the love God blessed us with, the lessons we learn and memories we created. He cannot be my friend anymore cos it'll never be platonic. I wish B the best. I will miss you a lot, alot. A big part of me died when we'd a deadline to meet for break-up. Another died when you said "B, I'm sorry. I have decided. I'm letting you go. I will not answer any of your msgs, blog entries or calls."

I will miss my happy Phil. God, keep him away from such heartaches. Keep me away from depression. I want to love. I want to live happy. I want to pray for YOUR forgiveness. I strayed.

broken

I find myself very distracted today. I thought B sounded sad when I called during lunch. I told myself not to appear sad while cheering him up. He laughed at my crazy antics. Totally unglamorous of me to clown around while having lunch but knowing that he wasn't all moody was worth it. We also met up after work. I shared what I thought. B didn't tell what was his decision will be. From my own judgements, I suppose B doesn't wish to hurt me. However, I am very likely to be left behind yet again. Since when has he defended our love as openly as I would? It is alright. He has a greater purpose in life besides loving me. Whatever the decision will be, I'm already broken. Respecting his decision is the least I'd do. It will not kill me just by leaving me to pick up the pieces. I chose to be vulnerable when it comes to this man.

for he is my answered prayer.

This entry isn't about all the updates I stopped sharing since Aug.

Today, we spent the late afternoon trying to come up with a decision. B called me just when I was about to msg him. However when I heard him speak, I know very well that something is not right. I was filled with worry and even while in the shower, I actually cried and prayed. God, keep me sane. Is B troubled over the same issue which ended our relationship? Questions occupied my mind. I got scared. I almost didn't find the courage to see him. He sent me a msg to bring the bible along. I knew he is definitely troubled and quickly make my way to be with him.

For the past year, we never got back together. We remain close. I'd still wait up for his calls every night. He'd always listen to me as I confide in him. We'd catch movies or have dinner. Even my close friends asked if we were back together. I'd jokingly tell them he is my best movie buddy or my TTM. On another note, I'd firmly say I love him as always. I love him being so passionate about his faith.

One night, years ago I said a prayer and God did answer mine. He is my answered prayer. I remember I told God to heal my pain and please send me love who will guide me closer to God. When B came into my life, I thank God for being kind to me. We went through challenges together. Somehow today I know my B has to make a painful decision. I know right from the start, this man is gonna be a leader. I can't be selfish and keep him. Ironically it is this passion about God which attracts me to him.

I'm angry with the need to either choose me or being the leader he's always wanted to be. Why can't he do what he wants and guide me? Why must he leave? Who should I talk to before I sleep? He will no longer be able to cheer me up. I spent hours crying. He felt terrible. He read the bible and it is always so interesting to hear B explain the bible. If I'd have my way, I'd want him happy.

B, I don't know if you'd read this. There are times when you absolutely see no solution. When you've thought and thought and prayed and prayed; when you've sat still in meditation listening for an answer and still no answer comes. There are times when it's okay to just surrender.