for he is my answered prayer.

This entry isn't about all the updates I stopped sharing since Aug.

Today, we spent the late afternoon trying to come up with a decision. B called me just when I was about to msg him. However when I heard him speak, I know very well that something is not right. I was filled with worry and even while in the shower, I actually cried and prayed. God, keep me sane. Is B troubled over the same issue which ended our relationship? Questions occupied my mind. I got scared. I almost didn't find the courage to see him. He sent me a msg to bring the bible along. I knew he is definitely troubled and quickly make my way to be with him.

For the past year, we never got back together. We remain close. I'd still wait up for his calls every night. He'd always listen to me as I confide in him. We'd catch movies or have dinner. Even my close friends asked if we were back together. I'd jokingly tell them he is my best movie buddy or my TTM. On another note, I'd firmly say I love him as always. I love him being so passionate about his faith.

One night, years ago I said a prayer and God did answer mine. He is my answered prayer. I remember I told God to heal my pain and please send me love who will guide me closer to God. When B came into my life, I thank God for being kind to me. We went through challenges together. Somehow today I know my B has to make a painful decision. I know right from the start, this man is gonna be a leader. I can't be selfish and keep him. Ironically it is this passion about God which attracts me to him.

I'm angry with the need to either choose me or being the leader he's always wanted to be. Why can't he do what he wants and guide me? Why must he leave? Who should I talk to before I sleep? He will no longer be able to cheer me up. I spent hours crying. He felt terrible. He read the bible and it is always so interesting to hear B explain the bible. If I'd have my way, I'd want him happy.

B, I don't know if you'd read this. There are times when you absolutely see no solution. When you've thought and thought and prayed and prayed; when you've sat still in meditation listening for an answer and still no answer comes. There are times when it's okay to just surrender.