Mothers worry.

I simply love lazy Sundays. We were enjoying desserts at home and the hot topic for the night was related to Mothers' Day. Papa shared that we may feel obliged to bring the queen of our hearts for a nice meal but it is only right cos she definitely deserves the treat. However, the focus should be being filial and not make Mama worry. The three of us retorted how will that be possible for Mama not to worry for us?! I posted our father's advice on Facebook. Shortly, an ex-classmate suggested that I'd marry fast, get pregnant. That comment brought me to this entry. I have never considered marriage and kids as solutions to put an end to my mother's parents' worries. How can another couple's child, which refers to the husband, take all their worries away? Certainly, we can never transfer worries to others. There is no alteration of such ownership when you get hitched. I reckon a mother's worry never ends. To me, I am always a growing child in Mama's eyes. 

I am a sponsored mother to a few children and my understanding parents have never rushed me into marriage. I recognized my efforts mending my broken heart (It's officially three months I last cried with Phil) and I know very well what a big kid I am! Marriage and kids were probably THE solutions eons ago. I feel in present times, happiness doesn't equal to love and love doesn't equal to marriage or kids. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, was Phil. I don't know if I'd have such strong feelings for someone ever again. I do have a whole lot of reservations now. It's human nature to be protective of self. When we get deeply hurt, we can never blame the world for not understanding our pain?! Who else can be kinder to us, if it is not ourselves? In time, we come to terms with our emotions and put up the toughest fight to deal with the monster in us. It is best we can reflect and learn from our experience. The difference is how others manage issues.

My parents have always allowed me to have my way in everything. Even when I deal with mistakes, they would make sure I do not feel alone facing consequences. It will be a lesson for all at home. When it comes to my studies, job and finance, there weren't much for them to worry. I could manage anything else except for men I fell for! Mama realizes I love Phil a lot. She is probably prepared that I will take a very long time to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart. Papa even tried to explain why Phil had to leave me."Papa loves your mother and naturally, I have to be responsible for her love. I didn't let her down. We settled down. Compared to Zhong Xin, I was more financially independent. Perhaps Zhong Xin cannot convince himself nor his family that you are worth the difficult times. It is not a big deal. Everyone's love stories to live with. You must na de qi fang de xia." 

I know no matter how old I am, my parents will always worry. Mama can never hide her worries well. Papa has medical ailments which I often remind myself not to make him worry about me. I can only keep myself happy and spend as much time as I can with my parents. Their love for me has always been unconditional. Thank God for blessing me with this beautiful pair who pulled me up when I was down. I will do my best to be their filial daughter and not cause them anymore worry. I will fight any depressing thought. I will get out of this again as the saying goes "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." 

What's cooking?

Mama hasn't been feeling well. Today, I had the kitchen to myself. We had herbal chicken soup and shepherd's pie for brunch. When I was done cooking the herbal chicken soup, I wished that Papa was home. It was my first attempt and I was pleased with the outcome. For dinner, it was Mama's porridge and salad. I liked how the meals were prepared. You see, I used to believe that I was allergic to the stove and spices. My only signature 'dish' was Maggi Mee; Fast to cook, good to eat. I could remember how excited I was to prepare a bowl of noodles for my childhood bestie when I was probably 10. It was simple. All the ingredients from the packet and an egg which I broke into the pot carefully. Back then, I had this weirdest idea that if the yolk breaks, my noodles will be contaminated!? Also, when the noodles didn't appear springy, I would always explain that they went up to my head. The happy look on her face and two thumbs up from her confirmed it was so good. Thus, that became my pride for as long as I can recall! I'd an enjoyable Good Friday. I suppose we all love public holidays. I definitely envy those holding a 5-days week job.

Black Pepper Beef Shepherd's Pie

Herbal Chicken Soup

power of a child

My Sunday was simply fun-tastic. I went to KKH to visit my niece. She had another operation. She had one a month ago. Our precious princess is a very strong baby. She only cried for a short while when the nurses woke her up to give her medicine. I got her a Minnie mouse balloon. She looked excited. This was probably the sixth balloon she received during her stay. I pray that she will grow up healthy. My heart goes to my cousin and his wife. It is definitely not easy but I am sure counting our blessings help us appreciate God's love even more. I got to see my darling Big Boy, her twin brother who gets bigger faster than her. My arm went numb after carrying him for a while. Here is a pic of the boy who stole my heart. Everyone at home says he looks a whole lot like me when I was a baby. I'm not that big of cos! 

I made a new friend with a 2 year old while sitting near the lift lobby. She kept watching me and I realize she begun to mimic me to get my attention. I laughed at her adorable antics. She came up to me and said "Auntie, you are pretty like me. We have the same hair!" I bun up my hair and she wanted to do the same. There I was.. having fun and enjoying a motherly episode. Perhaps it'd be more apt to say there's a kid in everyone of us. It wasn't awkward to play along with a child who wants to be 'me'. 

I reckon if I'd have a daughter, she'd look this beautiful. Somehow spending my afternoon with these children made me really happy. It amazes me how lil things we do can make them smile and you know it's never a fake smile. The best part is if you are feeling awful, you will be overwhelmed with their innocence and joy. I have been feeling down so I welcome the positive vibes. Speaking of children, let's put a smile on the faces of these children as we celebrate Mothers' Day! For a good cause, I suppose buying the cake for anyone would be just fine. 

Better Tuesday

It was probably one of the better Tuesdays I had. I got the long-awaited letter from school which screams excitement. Just reading "dear graduand," puts a silly smile on my face. The three years pursuing the part-time education wasn't easy at all. The madness to meet deadlines was worth the time. Fellow course mates made the journey bearable cos they were the fun element in school. I suppose the night classes made me indulge in snacks. Those were the fat elements! My graduation ceremony is on the 24th next month. I received a few mails from my online shopping too. Last week was crazy wasn't it? I went on a few shopping spree and I swear retail therapy works wonders for me!


The highlight for the night was the Script concert! I was out of the office earlier than usual. Everyone has been warned not to hold me back cos I have a date with some musicians. Met up with Sue and Naz to grab dinner before we watch them at Fort Canning. Yes, I was one of those 4000 people who paid for the tickets, followed the long queue, stayed in the drizzle for 30-45 minutes and got into the concert area cussing the organiser, Midas Promotions! However the Script were amazing. The screaming and singing-along sessions didn't bring heavier showers. It even stopped drizzling. The muddy grounds ruined my pair of shoes.


There was this fan who remained memorable to me. He knew all the songs and when he 'sings', it gets on my nerves. Su was pissed. She had to move away from him. The look on her face was just hilarious. I wish I'd taken his picture and post it here! I didn't bring my camera along cos I wanted to enjoy the performance and not spend time snapping pics. I refused to record the concert, no thanks to that kid who sings so terribly! My girls and I were somewhere in the middle of the crowd. Thank God, I am blessed being tall. I enjoyed myself. I used my mobile phone to record the encore where they sang my favourites, "For the first time" and "Break even". The apt word to describe the concert? "Fucking mental"

Pre-loves

I found some foreign currencies in my dresser. That excites me. I decided to do a thorough check to see if I'd get any richer and feel luckier. Somehow while smiling at my finds (there were some red packets), I remember Phil saying "B, you are like my mummy! See money super happy!" Seriously, who doesn't? In case, you are wondering if I have a messy dresser, I don't! I don't open the drawers as often though. My treasured love momento are safely kept away inside. Shh..

My sisters were excited to see watches given by Woon. The time on the pieces stopped for the longest time but being the sentimental me, I kept them. There were really sweet birthday cards and love notes. I dropped something on the floor. It was a wedding band. Woon proposed years ago and when we split, he wanted me to keep it. He said "I want you to have it cos it is only meant for you. It hurt when you hid it but said you lost it just cos you were upset. It may not cost a lot but you'd know its important value to me. I hope you will."

It was really weird cos he cheated on me but had the guts to even say that. I was so mad that I still remember it vividly. Shasha told me that she knows another secret place I hid my past with Woon. I was surprised cos I almost forgotten that photo frame in my wardrobe! When she showed me the captured moment of our happy faces in my first cable car ride, I laughed as I commented "so this was how he looked like!" I didn't suffer from Acrophobia then and neither Amnesia now. Remember happy times is good for the soul.

As we put away my stuffs back into the drawers, Shasha saw cards from Phil. I kept every card which came with flower deliveries. She looked at me and said "He is the one you still love most right? My brother-in-law." Speechless.

reflect

I've had the busiest work week. There was a shortage of manpower too. My colleagues took turns to be excused from work for four days. I'd help the counters in the mornings and rush to finish up my own work after lunch. Thank God, Hiddy would hear me out during my lunch breaks. I'd feel a whole lot better after our short conversations. Alas, me knocking off late seems to be the highlight of this week. There were two meetings in the week which ended nearly 10pm. I wish I'd make time to run. The only time I do so, was run in my dreams! However, sleep seemed shorter as the days went by. I was so drained. I'd to remind myself to take deep breaths and it's still 24 hours a day no matter how I rush!


An unexpected incident on Wednesday left me stuck in the office till 11pm. As if having to work a 12-hour shift that day, wasn't enough?! My colleagues simply walked out when the system died on us. I realize I didn't mind being left on my own. I waited for the computer to reboot and attempt to do another balancing. I needed technical assistance. Within minutes, someone from the technical support came. He saw the alert and since he was nearby, he dropped by! I was so thankful. He is cute, tall, speaks proper English and the wedding band on his finger spells NO FLIRTING! I was just joking. I was really tired and all I wanted to do was go home and be in bed soonest. Somehow the error wasn't easily rectified, his colleague had to assist. The two men were thoughtful. They waited for me to lock the office. In my service, that was the first I knocked off so late. I appreciate the fact that help came fast. God was watching out for me.


Through the challenges, I learn to manage. It gets better everyday. Reflection makes a happier me. I'm grateful for the blessed week. Today, after a debrief for the meetings I thanked the ladies at work for their kind understanding and cooperation. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Often we'd get upset with things which do not live up to our expectations. Thus we'd remember to look at the bigger picture. We will see that we can never change anyone else but us. On my part, I'll try to be a better assistant manager. I'd see my improvements. Hopefully, someday my colleagues will be motivated. For a change. we left the office together. I walked away with the experience. It feels a lil more grown-up! I'd think of it as a good sign. God loves. I feel loved. ;)

Taking charge

I read this article in yahoo news today. Out of the ten signs, I can relate to seven! In my earlier post, I mentioned about covering my manager's duties for this week. Just today alone, I can easily see the difference. It wasn't something new for me but I do wish that colleagues can at least appear to be supportive. At 8.25am, the HR department called to ask if I'd let go one staff to assist other branch. There wasn't anyone else in the office even when we'll be opened in five minutes. My colleagues came rushing in, together as if they'd a breakfast session earlier and I didn't have time to brief them. I printed out the emails. I wanted to get them to read but there was a long queue. At the end of the day, I passed the printed materials to a colleague and instructed her to read and get the rest to do the same before they leave.

"I will do that tomorrow. It is not as if I'll remember anything if I read now" was her reply. If I had my way, I'd told them off. I'd expect them to be in by 8.15am ready for my briefing! When I tell them something, make sure they digest and not look clueless! However, that wasn't the case. At the very moment, I knew there was no point forcing them. Everyone just want to get out of the office. I feel for them. They'd a busy day. Though I was disappointed in how things turned out in the morning, I was contented being in the room after lunch. Buried myself with paperwork while listening to my favorite songs. I'd happier vibes. I kept myself busy and it was time to knock off work without me realizing. As I was closing the office, I thought about my expectations for my career. Being in charge is good. To me, it means more responsibilities. I like the challenge. It gives me the sense of satisfaction to work hard as a team and get results. In the current situation, I'd think it's an opportunity. I used to feel unappreciated. I realize I'd learn to be better and happier! 

Next week, I'll see my new manager. It is like a new beginning. No matter how good or bad I was in my comfort zone, I have to change. Everyone's an unique working style. My colleagues do respect me as the assistant manager. Perhaps being the youngest in the office, customers usually expected someone in charge to be older. There are a few times customers thought I'm new in the job and only got this title cos of education qualifications. I usually have the last laugh. I'm still hopeful to get a new job. There were some offers but not what I want. At least , I do know what I want to do. It'd be my career. For now, I'd do my best. Work hard and overcome my weakness. Get out of the comfort zone doesn't seem impossible with the right attitude. I truly believe God has bigger plans for me. I'd not wait for miracles. I will not stop sending resumes to apply for positions I'm keen in.

Little miss Whoops took away my Monday blues when she kissed me. I hope that if you'd a bad day, the picture puts a smile on your face. If it doesn't, you'd look in the mirror and "cry" like her. It'd make you laugh at yourself instead. Try it..

absence

My manager is away in China and I am covering her duties for the last time next week. I just had a call that a colleague is not coming to work cos of swollen lip. She will be seeing the doc tomorrow. I wonder why she will not see one today. She claims that she'd want me to be prepared for shortage of manpower. Oh well, I'd really learn to appreciate such well intentions. God, please keep me sane. Challenges are good but do keep them away for now, at least. Joy's growing. I need space.


On a different side note, my feet hurts and I thought of my hippo ride. B used to volunteer to carry me when my feet hurts from putting on heels. Also, I miss the good ol' days going marketing with him. There I was picking up groceries in the evening and having him on my mind. Weekends without him are just different. The heart misses himso much, it influences the mind. Absence.