Run If I can

All I wanted was a morning run with the wind. Tears joined us. I tried to run even faster but the tears managed to catch up. Not without any reason, I was crying freely. I'm still the same. I have a small heart when it comes to Phil. I've all of him in my heart even after he walked out of my life. Every heart beat calls out for him. I'd hear it even when I sleep. For these four weeks, I'd wake up and find myself in tears. Sometimes over nightmares and sometimes, I'd just hug the pillow and cry. Often, I wished that I'd dial that #2 on my speed dial to hear him. I never did.

The small things he'd done, made me realize that he is the best I ever had. Be it doing marketing with me which would usually include some treats for him, be it waiting for me and yet see me with a 'black face' cos I couldn't find him, be it trying out testers which often left me embarrassed, be it hearing me grumble and just listen, be it walking me home even when he was tired and the journey back home would take more than 1 hour, be it getting me all the vitamins to keep me well, be it watching boring movies with me till he fell asleep cos I'm lazy to go anywhere else, be it having his suggestions rejected by me repeatedly, be it just watching me eat via Skype and laugh over how I look when I gobbled my food for us.. there're too many "be it"s . I really felt loved by this man I love. Perhaps especially more so cos I really wanted the love of my life to guide me. I wanted to know God and be closer to my faith. Phil made me a better person.

He was my first who got really upset when I doubted him. Actually, I was teasing him. There wasn't anything that he said which I'd doubt. In fact, I trust him more than myself. That is why it hurt this much when I think of him fondly. I thought I'd miss having him as my confidant. The truth is I miss him as my love. I can't run away from this painful truth. My heart cries everytime I say my prayers. I'm not being a drama queen. This is me, hoping that God will heal me soon. No prize for guessing; I'm in tears again. I definitely believe that Phil includes me in his prayers even when I'm not good for him. It can be painful to smile with a crying heart. I grin in pictures. It worked sometimes. It was as if real happy moments captured. You don't really expect to see me post a picture of me crying,do you? It'd probably make you tear. This entry may not serve much purpose but to me, this is better release than crying on my own. Love hurts. It is true.