BFF not..

For someone who has many friends, losing one doesn't make a difference, does it? I don't have many friends. I've a few very good friends. Cos it is that few, I call them besties. I value my friendship between them a lot. I included my two ex bfs, Woon and Phil as besties too. I'm that lucky! ( attempts to sing 'Lucky' by Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat )The rest of the few who knows me as well are wonderful women who hear me and feel for me, every time I cried or shared a joke. These women, we bitch a lot in the name of harmless fun.

When Woon broke up with me, that was the first time I had to deal with losing a male bestie. I was heart-broken and dealt with depression for more than a year. I was so lost. Honestly, I no longer remember how devastated I was when I'd to experience a cheating bf. I realise that memories made me sick. I wanted to be forgetful about the past we had. Pills were my friends. I thought the medication will make me well faster but I'd only see that I was recovering when I stopped taking them. Even when they were consumed to make me sleep, it came to a point that I no longer want to be friends with my pills. I treated myself as I would treat my dearest friend. I was kinder to myself and supportive of my own efforts to get better. I even fell in love. I was much happier.

Our B love story contain memories which were almost full of joy, some pinch of sadness, few foolish moments of anger and definitely, too many sorry. We weren't trying to be a polite couple. It's only that I tend to fight over the silliest thing and when he apologizes, it gives me another reason to squabble over his "sorry, B". When Phil and I broke up, it was a repeated episode of being abandoned by this other bestie. Somehow we cheated another year of friendship since our break-up. That was why I kicked up another big fuss over this recent loss. I wanted us to be friends again. So badly that it just came to my mind that I'm being childish even in my late twenties. I was being me. I'd be more mature.

Why doesn't it matter to Phil about having this bestie who genuinely shared every freaking guilt or secret, joy or sadness? It was only right to be supportive even when I hate to support the decision for him to leave, when all of me definitely wanted to beg him to stay. I have said many times "I will always be there. I'm just a heart beat away, don't you worry" but I worry for him endlessly. Perhaps, I'm not his habit. He was mine. I know I'm vulnerable cos I love. Be it over love or friendship, why am I always just an option? His absence of two weeks made me miss having him as my bestie. Maybe he has that many friends, losing one doesn't hurt.

Phil's presence made a whole lot of difference, but he may not realize so. It is not just love. I'm not only heart-broken.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7